Mark Driscoll Apologism Bingo

Since Mark Driscoll’s last round of public queer and trans baiting, I’ve wanted to make a bingo card of some of the ridiculous excuses some Christians make for why Driscoll’s behavior is either acceptable or just not a problem they should have to deal with. Alas, I couldn’t find a bingo card generator, and I didn’t have the HTML skills to make one myself. But now! I have mediocre n00b HTML knowledge to inflict on¬†share with my readers :-D

And the timing couldn’t be better, since Driscoll appears to have gone and stuck another homophobic foot in his mouth yet again, like clockwork [eta: Molly points out in the comments that Driscoll wrote this in 2008, but it’s just getting attention now]:

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However,¬†any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality [sic] activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body. (Dangerous Minds)

There’s really nothing that needs to be said about that, right? The man clearly has some personal issues to work through.

So, here it is: a handy guide to the absurd defenses of Driscoll fanboys and people who just find his public comments too inconvenient and embarrassing to handle honestly. What did I miss? Share your favorite example of ridiculous Driscoll apologism in the comments!

Mark Driscoll Apologism Bingo:

No one respects women more than Mark. He hates violence against women. Mark is just a provocateur. People hate/persecute Mark because he preaches harsh bible truth. You’re giving non-Christians excuses to slander and hate us! People have come to Christ through Mark. Don’t lose sight of the big picture.
“Jesus wasn’t just a gentle peacemaker.” This is sinful gossip and slander. You’re turning Christians against each other and destroying our unity. Mark is just rough around the edges. He’s refreshingly blunt. Mark loves his wife and celebrates femininity, just not in men.
Mark really loves Jesus. Mark isn’t in my/your church; he’s not my/your problem. FREE
SPACE
You’re supporting worldly criticisms of Mark by unbelievers. Why are you so emotional/angry/bitter?
Mars Hill is growing. God is really using Mark. You haven’t listened to every sermon Mark Driscoll has ever preached. You should share your concerns with Mark privately. Matthew 18! Just pray for Mark and pay more attention to your own sin. Mark just wants men to feel comfortable in church.
If we ignore him he’ll just go away. You should be working towards love and reconciliation with Driscoll. People who call Mark out are the real bullies. You’re just as much of a sinner as Mark. Mark is doing God’s work in godless, unchurched Seattle.

27 Comments

  1. Nicely done!

    My own perennial favorite: “You’re taking Mark out of context.” Seems to show up in every discussion I see, and I’ve never found it to be true once.

    • Yes, that’s one of my favorites too, as is the variation on that theme – “It’s only a 5 minute clip! Did you listen to the whole sermon?!”

      Ridiculous.

      • Yes, especially since the clips are always posted by Mars Hill, which presumably means they don’t see a need for further context…

  2. Your Bingo card is awesome! I’ve got one that my mom uses. Whenever I tell her something MD has said, her response is “Well, when did he say it?” Anything that’s from more than a month ago, he could have apologised for and changed his mind about, apparently. She’s not willing to recognise the on-going pattern of questionable beliefs/statements/behaviour.

    This “new” Driscoll outrage actually comes from a book he published in 2008 called “Porn-Again Christian”, which is just filled with similar gems. Not sure why it’s suddenly getting so much attention.

    • Lol, yes, I’ve seen that argument, too! As if Driscoll has ever really apologized for anything, besides that one time when he basically implied that Ted Haggard sought out male escorts because his wife let herself go.

      Good point about this being a recycled outrage. Someone at a big blog got their hands on it for the first time, I guess.

      • “[…] that one time when he basically implied that Ted Haggard sought out male escorts because his wife let herself go.”

        What the heck? So if your wife isn’t attractive enough by the standards of some random jerk, it will turn you gay? Really? REALLY?!

        That leaves a very strange implication about Mark Driscoll’s beliefs – does this mean he thinks all men are inherently prone to homoerotic (if not flat out gay) behavior and that’s why good Christian men need to be EXTRA obsessed with being “manly”?

  3. Wait…Thinking you look hot is engaging in homosexual activity? No woman would ever become sexually aroused unless she was first pleased with her physical appearance. The guy’s a moron.

  4. You just made my day. :)

  5. Actually, masturbation can involve a woman, especially if, well, it’s a woman doing it. Of course, in evangelicalism/fundamentalism women are sexless beings who don’t/can’t masturbate and/or have orgasm (yet are responsible for making men “stumble” all the same and keeping their husbands satisfied).

    The Driscoll Bingo is absolutely brilliant! I’ll have to print out a copy for the next time he puts his foot in his mouth.

    • Oddly enough, Driscoll doesn’t seem to believe that women don’t masturbate; it’s just that the book from which this current round of bizarrness comes is specifically directed at men. I still think he believes that women’s sexual desire is (or should be) less than men’s, but I’m glad that he’s at least not trying to address female sexuality directly, because that would probably be even more of a horror show than the book he actually wrote. Maybe he does know at least some of his limitations.

    • Yea, like Molly said his book is just for men. But I suspect that since his conception of female sexuality is all about women doing things to/for men, the idea of women masturbating purely for self-fulfillment is probably not one that crosses his mind often :/

  6. And here I was just thinking I needed some levity for my blog and might as well use the opportu it to have some fun at Driscoll’s expense – and you do me one better, Grace. Both awesome and funny.

  7. Well, many of these statements may be very true.

    But, this doesn’t take away from the harm some of Pastor Driscoll’s comments cause. How many secular people hear these remarks, and believe this is representative of what all the Christians believe?

    I can only attribute it to the deep grace of God that any gay or lesbian person comes to faith in Christ.

    Prayers ascending for Rev. Driscoll.

    • Maybe “secular people” would be less likely to believe this is representative of what all the Christians believe if those weren’t the loudest voices of Christianity (although certainly not the most numerous).

      I suggest the best Christian response to the Mark Driscolls and Pat Robertsons is not to hem and haw and make timid excuses for them, but to rebuke them, loudly and publicly. “Hey, listen: This guy’s a nut, and he doesn’t represent what I believe.”

  8. Grace, by ‘harm’ do you refer to the actual spiritual, emotional, and sometimes physical scars that people endure as a result of them or others following his hate-filled speeches?

    Or were you referring to the ‘harm’ done by potential association of hateful fundy beliefs to Christians?

    I’m assuming you meant both, or at least the first one. Feel free to correct.

    And, no, I don’t like it when some people immediately assume I am racist based on the colour of my skin. But I am more sad that they have a reason to be suspicious. In my mind, linking me with people who cause harm does not compare with the actual harm many people have suffered. Especially when white and Christian are still the dominant majority.

    I’m more afraid of the harm people will do by using some of the BINGO excuses instead of examining their belief system for harmful ideas. I think it is more common for people to say “yeah, but REAL Christians don’t think like that” than for them to say “ALL Christians must think like that.”

  9. Love the bingo card!

    I need to check out the Driscoll pamphlet everyone’s been talking about, which I’m sure will be wacky.

  10. Wow. That masturbation quote up there is awfully specific…

  11. Hey Grace:

    I can’t remember where I read the comment, but somebody on a blog said that since this bit is such specific information, they were filing it under “things they really didn’t ever want to know about Driscoll”.

    I realized they might have a point. Ewwww.

    Lincoln

    • Lincoln – Driscoll is kind of a master at oversharing. Pretty much everything he says about gender or sexuality is a very disturbing window into his personal thoughts…yea.

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  15. matthew green says:

    It seems the only truths in this article are the Mark Driscoll quote and some if the statements defending Pastor Mark on the bingo card. #read your Holy Bible