Superbowl pro tip: Beware sexy commercials

Since the Super Bowl is today, I thought it would be fitting to share with you some advice that C.J. Mahaney, the Dear Leader of the “family” of churches I grew up in (Sovereign Grace Ministries), gives to men watching the event.

Problem: halftime and commercials at the Super Bowl turn what should be a family-friendly gathering into a den of temptation and vice for the dudes. Because they’re full of all kinds of immorality and slutty women. And few seconds of that in a commercial is apparently way more than a dude can handle. What are they worried will happen, exactly? Perhaps it’s best that we don’t know.

But not to worry, C.J. has the solution for you: strategic clickery by a designated remote holder. Oh yes. Thanks to his foolproof strategy you can kiss lust goodbye:

Assign one person (someone with both discernment and quick reflexes) to remote-control duty.” This cannot be just anybody. Throughout the game viewers are assaulted with commercials—immoral commercials, commercials that assault and offend one’s intelligence, and commercials with immodestly dressed women (which both tempt men and belittle women). These are as much a part of the Super Bowl as the game itself.

Working the remote requires skill and coordination as well as discernment. This person needs to be paying attention and anticipating commercial breaks. While everyone else enjoys the game, this person is working and always aware of what’s on the TV.

I recommend you establish on the remote an alternative channel that presents no temptation (C-SPAN for example). Turning to C-SPAN will ensure that conversation will take place.

That’s not weird or creepy at all.

Keeping male eyes from any assault by dirty sexed-up female bodies is very important. So important that C.J. has bequeathed this well-honed craft of lust-free sports viewing as a legacy for the next generation: “For those assigned to this task I recommend further reading. I trained my sons-in-law in the art and craft of strategic clickery.”

His sons-in-law (all three of them pastors in SGM, hmm) have learned well, apparently:

I told you about the lesson CJ gave my brothers-in-law and I about handling the remote control. This is an important topic, becuase so many commercials are simply unacceptable in their content, exalting greed or immoratilty to promote a product. . .. The first step is to have a go-to channel. Another major network channel isn’t a great idea, since they usually play commercials at the same and those likely won’t be any better. My personal favorite is the Military Channel. The NASA Channel and C-Span are also highly recommended.

So once you have your channel, you have to be ready. According to CJ, this requires three things:

  • Concentration. If you’re busy trying to get the last of the queso out of the jar, you won’t be able to do this job effectively. So watch closely.
  • Anticipation. You gotta know when to go. If you wait until the commercials actually start, you might be too late.
  • Coordination. Push the right button! Helps to keep your finger there.

…Dads, I want to encourage you in particular to lead in this, and set a godly standard for your family.

There you have it, folks. A surefire way to make sure you’re not tempted during the Super Bowl: assign someone to have no other task than keeping his finger on the remote so that the dudes aren’t exposed to even a split-second of filthy female indecency. You’re welcome!

7 Comments

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  2. I accidentally had sex with my remote control during the Super Bowl because I wasn’t properly trained in the godly clickery.

  3. lol!
    also, from a quick scan, it looks like “godly dickery”

  4. My boys reminded me of the clicker maneuvers we employed in the past, when we watched the superbowl this year. (we’ve discovered some more freedom since leaving the “family” you note in your post).

    “Remember when we clicked away from all the ads…” Because for them, the ads are the fun part of watching, not the game itself. So they are enjoying the ads now, while I am enjoying relaxing during the ads, and not fearing judgement from those who might find me slow on the draw, or not discerning enough with the clicker.

    I think the quotes you included are intended to sound funny, though they are serious about the topic, and I think that is weird.

    • Thanks for the comment and welcome to the blog! I checked out your blog – really interesting, as are the other blogs you linked. It seems like we might have very similar stories.

      So they are enjoying the ads now, while I am enjoying relaxing during the ads, and not fearing judgement from those who might find me slow on the draw, or not discerning enough with the clicker.

      Funny how much more peace and real enjoyment you can get out of life on the outside, hmm?

      I think they are intended to come across as humorous, but they’re deadly serious at the same time. I have no doubt that C-SPAN is on in the Mahaney household during commercial breaks from the Super Bowl.